scatter brained

i'm feeling scatter brained lately and really want to get back to writing.
i just always have such minimal access to internet.

i tried starting a new one from scratch but its such a pain in the ass....
soo maybe a journal, on paper...so old fashioned;)
hope you're all well.

"If nothing else I am myself and that is all I have to give..."

good things to come

as ben gibbard's lovely voice is filling my ears singing about a portable television set i sit at my local starbucks waiting to work the day away...its weird how vacation revitalizes you, almost puts you on restart.
somehow i'm just...ok:)
and i love it.
everytime i'm driving to my love's house for our evening festivities after a hard day at work i just smile and feel so content.
i love our life.
its so rewarding, real and intimate.
we plan together, encourage each other and just fucking love each other.
i didn't know i could be this happy with someone, its so natural.
he is such a strong wonderful man...just like my daddy.

even though i've been stuck in a rut he has been by my side encouraging and stickin with me.
no i don't want to be workin at starbucks at twenty two struggling to pay bills but i make it work for right now.

looking at my options i'm thinking hair is for me and so excited for the future.
when my brother heads off to the army i'm going to be rooming with a friend of mine and i can't wait to have a girly place:)

my car is all fixed up now...everything is falling into place at the moment.
over our delicious brews me and rick had such a good talk last night just saying things of love and reaffirming how we feel for each other....might seem petty but i think all couples should take time to affirm their love for one another more often.

sigh...its your life.
take control.
own it.
not in the way other's think it should be but just what makes you happy.
so i'm not on top of the social scene or doing anything fancy but i'm happy, we are happy.
my life is molding into not only my own but we are sharing and i couldn't be more happy.

happy birthday America

its strange on the fourth of july this year...so used to the neighborhood breakfast at my parents, thent he parade and fireworks...good ol lebanon.
bummer.
well just chillin at rick's gonna catch some rays later then who knows.
off work today and tomorrow so i want to spend some time getting stuff in order for a freaking education.
its not fair that rick grows up wanting a wife with a career and falls in love with me and i ain't got a clue...just not fair at all.

i gotta figure something out.

my current top 3

movie: adjustment bureau
book: the circle, ted dekker
album: bon iver, bon iver

have a good day folks!

farewell dark hair...

yes sir today at 330 my dark locks will be blonde again:)
i'm excited but will definitely miss the sassy edge.
vacation ends tomorrow...florida was great.
sleepin in, bud light lime, sunshine, beach...all shared with my love mr webster.
just what i needed...now back to the grind.

its been awhile

man its good to be writing.
feels so nice to write out my thoughts sometimes...
well work is good, well sort of.
wanting to have a better attitude but leaving for florida tomorrow so that should help:)

man can't wait to hug my family.
i'm so blessed.
bills are paid up and just when i thought i was going to loose it(need new breaks for my car)my state return showed up.

i tell you what even more so in the bad i just can't not believe in God.
i'm so happy at the moment.

rick and i are spectacular.
im so in love with him and am so excited for our life together.
he is my strong and steady and just so good to me.
i'm so lucky to have him.

just being his girl and knowing i get to wake up to him everyday makes me smile from ear to ear...
we have been together five months and i'm still just as crazy about him...
well takin it a day at a time, he's my best friend....boo;)

well now onto music...MUST LISTEN TO BON IVER, BON IVER.
amazing new album.

in one word, beautiful.
the melodies and voice are just breathtaking.
that is all, just stopped by for a quick hey!

wish i had some pics but they have been on my phone so unable to load em up!

ps. we went to brad paisley...country...wow.

...

If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything..."

tattoo

i want this on my upper left arm/shoulder.
beautiful.
i love decorating my body and making it my own.

photo update:)

joyce, boyfriend, morgan chi chi:)

happy

can i just say its a little funny that i have twitter and facebook and a blog?
assuming i'm that interesting and important that people care what i'm doing and such?
haha...well i enjoy it and its kind of a way to unwind and just clean out the file cabinets in my head.

so far the checklists of whats happening seem to help...

1. starting to develope for managing training at work
2. counting down rick and i's visit to florida
3. saving money
4. lookin to get a studio on meridian
5. leaving school on hold but going to just get a general studies degree
6. closure with past relationship
7. summertime tan and roller blading
8. going to keep a photography journal...getting business cards, had a couple shoots, learning from mr irwin:)
9. got some ray bans and gaga's new ablum

yes that is the update of my life:)
trying to slow down, take life a day at a time and just enjoy each moment.
i'm just so excited and have so much going for me.
my life is beautiful and i'm so blessed.

keep goin

feeling good these days.
had my moments and close calls but i keep reminding myself that i'm in control of myself and what i choose to say and do.
at the end of the day i want to be able to lay my head down and know i did my best and was love to the world.
have a photo shoot tonight from a response on craigslist.
i'm for sure nervous but gonna own it and just have fun:)
got my buddy jordan, fellow photographer, to help me out.

i just need experience and exposure.
i want to make some business cards to hand to customers at starbucks and such.
i get a lot of people asking so just poppin them a card would be great.

well nothing much is new just enjoying life, getting ready for summer activities and trying to keep busy.
can't wait to get back to school and get a degree.
didn't do well this semester but i'm not giving up.

couldn't believe how stressed i was finding an outfit for tonight,
going out with rick after and just want to look cute.
i'm done downing myself and my body.
insecurity will eat you alive and ruin your life.
i'm me.
i'm beautiful, strong and talented.
i'm healthy and one of a kind.
i've been smoke free for one month and my boo bought me some ray bans as a reward:)
and just cause he is a fucking sweetie head.
i don't deserve him but do love him.

i don't know why i always fuck up relationships but i do.
just gotta relax, listen, love and support him.

do my thing, live my life get things in order and love love love.
that is my calling in life to just be kind to people and love.
whatever i do i will do it well and with honest good, selfless intent.

i'm always in such a hurry planning my life out and what to do next but i want to start waking up and just rolling with it and letting life happen.

its a detox, regrowth stage for me.
i guess you could say i'm having an identity crisis:)
haha sounds so lame to say.

i just know i'm no longer a little girl and i've got to believe in myself and start taking myself seriously and like the woman that i am or no one else will.
i'm okay on my own and own two feet.

i love my boy deeply but don't need him.
ps....its raining and its gorgeous:)

each day is a new chapter in life to start fresh...i'm exciteD:)
i need do to something fun though...with rick:)

o so back to stress about getting ready for my shoot tonight...i'm all done with piercings and not sure about tats...i want to be me, different and sassy, more artistic but also a woman, not a little girl.
show dem curves and be proud of my body:)
ha sounds so lame and girl to say but i'm just trying to figure out what to do to be taken more seriously and professionally, especially now that i'm looking into manager training at starbucks and doin this photo thing.

sigh...plus i'm dating a fuckin man and want to make him proud:)
gotta just live life with intent and have decided to wake up and do something no matter how little after work...cook dinner, read my book, take a photograph, organize bills, rollerblade, bake...something, anything.

gotta practice up.
change is coming and i gotta figure my shit out.
love love love.

100 ways to uncomplicate it

1. Don’t try to read other people’s minds

2. Get up 30 minutes earlier so that you don’t rush/get a ticket while driving too fast/have to explain why you’re late/get fired

3. Get 8 hours of sleep per night so that you think more clearly

4. Stick to your budget

5. Start saving and investing every week, no matter how little you can spare

6. Balance your checkbook

7. Don’t try to be friends with everyone. Cultivate closer relationships with fewer people.

8. Don’t try to do business with everyone. Identify your target client and take very good care of them.

9. Before getting angry, ask yourself if it will really matter in 20 years

10. Focus on being a good person, not on pleasing others

11. Stay home this Saturday, and finish off that nagging chore that you need to finish

12. Kiss and make up

13. Make a weekly menu, and shop for only those items at the market

14. Ask your grandparents the best way to uncomplicate life, and try it for a month

15. Fill up your gas tank when it’s half full

16. Don’t drink alcohol when you’re tired, sad or mad

17. Pay your bills on time

18. Get an annual physical examination

19. Say “I love you” to your significant other and to your children. Studies show that more marriages last, and fewer kids use drugs, when these words are spoken every day.

20. For just one day, imagine everyone’s intentions are good because most people’s are

21. Give away clothes that haven’t been worn in two years

22. Throw out clothes that are in disrepair, and can’t be mended

23. When you have a conflict with someone, talk it out. Don’t let it turn into more than it is.

24. Know what your priorities are in life, and act as if they are your priorities

25. Tell the truth

26. Don’t cheat

27. Don’t steal

28. If you’re holding on to a ridiculous grudge, let it go

29. Clean your house weekly, so that it doesn’t become too large a chore

30. Do your best at work, or at school

31. Don’t eat when you aren’t hungry

32. Eat when you are hungry

33. Be yourself

34. Say no unapologetically

35. Cook simple meals

36. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses

37. Pay off your car before buying a new one

38. Organise your desk at the office

39. Change your smoke alarm batteries when the clocks spring forward, and again when they fall back

40. Organise your important paperwork

41. Take only half the clothes that you planned to take with you on holiday

42. Help your children with their homework every night, and have an open dialogue with their teachers

43. Have white sheets and white towels in children’s rooms/bathrooms, because they’re easily bleached

44. Spend your time with nice people

45. Avoid drama

46. Don’t text or talk on the phone while driving

47. Turn off the television/video games/computer; they’re time consumers

48. Don’t engage in office politics

49. Refuse to gossip, or talk behind other people’s backs

50. Do the dishes right after dinner

51. Never go to sleep angry

52. Ask nicely for what you need and want

53. Walk 10,000 steps per day to help your heart

54. Do 20 push-ups before speaking in anger

55. Leave work at work

56. Don’t befriend anyone that isn’t trustworthy

57. Don’t envy others

58. Have your oil changed

59. Take vitamin C BEFORE you catch a cold

60. Don’t work more than 8 hours per day

61. Weed your garden weekly

62. Wash your car weekly

63. Have a spring cleaning month every year, and do one room at a time

64. You don’t need to be best friends with work colleagues, but build respectful partnerships

65. Don’t drink and drive

66. Don’t look for reasons to be angry or sad, look for reasons to be happy. You’ll always be able to find plenty of each.

67. Be friendly with your neighbours

68. Return emails and phone messages promptly

69. Schedule in free time

70. Don’t procrastinate

71. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it

72. Be more flexible when you’re able to be

73. Forgive and forget. End of story.

74. Break the consumerism habit…put a three month moratorium in place on buying anything not deemed a necessity

75. Start your diet on September 1, rather than January 1, so that you won’t also have holiday pounds to lose

76. Take care of any health issues or concerns

77. Have your tires rotated

78. Have your brakes checked

79. Have your eyes checked

80. Don’t let your imagination run away with you

81. Let go of perfection in others

82. Let go of perfection in yourself

83. Don’t try to help those that refuse to help themselves

84. Find a way to reduce your commute to work

85. Have an alloted amount of worry time per day/week, that you strictly abide by

86. Drink more water

87. Eat more salmon

88. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill

89. Wear your hair in a classic, easy to care for style

90. Finish what you start

91. Wear classic clothes and shoes that never go out of style

92. Create a daily routine

93. Have a 1, 5, 10 and 20 year plan for your financial and life goals

94. Slow down

95. Eat out less often

96. When you ask your husband which outfit looks best, thank him for his answer and wear the one he liked rather than focusing on why he didn’t like the other one

97. Allow your children to grow up

98. Clean out your garage, and donate anything that hasn’t been used in the past year

99. Stretch every day

100. If a relationship is over, let it go

not where i want to be

i know certain people will enjoy reading this blog.
i'm not happy, not where i want to be.
i feel like i've missed my opportunities to get where i want to be today.
i have no ambitions.
i'm empty and useless.
school is a bust, work sucks so much it makes me sick and hope i would get into a car accident so i don't have to go.
my apartment is the only good thing that i've made for myself.
my care will puke anyday.
i'm ruining something beautiful as always...
seeing something that i could have been a part of fall into place is heartbreaking.
i try so hard but i will never be pretty.
i will never be successful.
i will never be as happy as i used to be.
i miss my family.
i miss laughing.
i miss inspiration.
i'm so bored and life is so dull.
i want to see and travel.
everyone else is doing what i want, living my life.
why can't i take control and make it happen for myelf?
i'm running out...on e.
not sure what is going to happen.
i'm just better off alone.
i want to work at a music store and live in broad ripple.
tryin to keep positive.
ha...failing.

love this

so the sleeve didn't work out but i want another tattoo...i was thinking down my spine but not sure...this is pretty by the way...

finally

mommy is flyin in tonight! man i'm so stoked.
she has not been here since she moved last july.
its so weird having a life here with out her.
well i close tomorrow then i get three days with her.


i need some time off.
lovin the new store but need some hannah time.
i need to take time to meditate and spend time with good people in my life.
quit smokin and headed to the gym right now...shoot detoxing is not pleasant, my body is all sorts of fucked up.

well luckily i have a great fella helpin me.
that is another reason i need some time.
i don't want to fuck it up.
i've got to get some confidence and independence...i want to be his best friend and just chill out. i don't need him but i want him. gotta be me and find my place in the world.

later loves, enjoy your weekend.

sigh...count your blessings

...

to the world

lately this is what i want to say to the world. not in a negative way believe it or not.

switching stores has really shaken up my life. i had such a tight schedule with work, school, boyfriend and personal life. it was perfection. now its a new commute, new employees i spend 8 hours a day with and less time with my boo. failed miserably at school this week, got myself sick and let the world's negativity and my bad attitude bring me down.
i'm not proud of it.
so today i slept in and woke up feeling refreshed. i'm in control of who i am and how i feel when i lay my head down at night. all else aside i feel my place in the world is to brighten someone's day everyday. be that ball of sunshine for someone...so i'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off and roll with the punches. gotta stay organized and disciplined this week. although i miss my youth and lack of responsibility i have to balance it out now.
in other news been doing a lot of self evaluating. had an appointment to get my tattoo but when i mentioned it to my boyfriend he was a little shaken. now it sounds manipulative and judgmental on his part but we had a good discussion about it and learned a lot about each other. he is okay with the idea and maybe down the road when the time is right i'll get one but for now i wanted to show him i was serious about him and bought him some sick oakley's instead;) ha he better keep me around.
it was more a statement of maturity that i respect him and want to be his other half. i told him as well that this is who i am and tattoos are a way i express myself and remind myself of my journey. you might think i'm a freak because i have tattoos well i think you are a freak if you don't. two sides, perspective. i know i'm out of his comfort zone but i love him good and treat him right. take me as i am or not at all.
so, he heard me out and we are cool and understood.
got a few goals set...gonna start workin out and quit smoking when my mom comes in FIVE DAYS.
ahhh i'm so excited! she is my bestest friend and i miss her daily dearly:)
well i'm going to attempt this homework now and head out to the slippery noodle for some drinks later, tata!
ps. i forgot to explain the picture. basically fuck you world for telling me i can't do something or that i am not beautiful. all lies.

tattoo

whoo wee getting my tattoo on wednesday...nervous as shit but so ready.
start the new store tomorrow...lame sauce. night folks.

"sometimes you need to run away just to see who will come after you."

holy cow

ummm this is the best day. unexplainable beauty and love...first day of spring.

fun stuff

fits and dizzy spells

gotta love andrew bird.
funny how life works out sometimes.

i'm really strugglin.
looks like all that time of shoplifting is biting me in the ass.
i believe in karma and the good in life catching up to you...and the bad.
i need to give more to others.

why can't i stick to things, especially a budget system.
my brother has to cover some of my rent which is embarrassing since i chew his ass out everytime he owes me money or has a late payment.

a humbling experience.
my dude is super supportive and encouraging but i don't want to rely on him for stuff.
not til there is a ring on my finger will i loose my independence, even then i'm stubborn;)
i did get a sick raise at starbucks but won't know it for two weeks.

gonna be tough.
looks like home time and homework catch up:)
sigh...recap on latley...

1. dinner night with rick
2. wine and cigarettes at doug and jordan's
3. kilroys with morgan
4. got an 86 on my math quiz after bombing the midterm
5. sick raise at work yet flat broke

and there you have it, whats new with you?

fail

damn.
i didn't just not do well i fucking bomb my math midterm.
drop my overall grade 20 percent.
the second i walked out tears poured down my face...who do i call?
mom of course.
i miss her hugs and comforting.

i went into this semester so dedicated and determined.
slowly but surely i started slacking off not making homework a priority and look what happened?
i can't loose this class because if my gpa drops i loose my student aid.
therefore no school.

this is my last shot i have to stick with it and get it done this time.
its so hard working full time and trying to balance other things.
i am fucking broke as shit and can't seem to catch up.
i finally found a good guy i'm content with and don't have time for him.
of course he is sweet and supportive but i don't want to let him down.

its funny when one thing goes wrong all the rest spirals down with it.
i knew i was having some good days...so of course it has to come down sometime.
might seem like a negative outlook but its reality.
im not upset by it and don't let it keep my smile off but its just sucky sometimes.

i have finally found a major i'm confident and excited about and now a class that has nothing to do with it could take it all away from me.
sigh...i'm going to keep going, keep moving forward.

mom will be here in a month.
can't wait.

its coming

so freaking gorgeous outside...driving with my windows down wearing a dress.
beautiful.
summer is coming.

i love spring though...chilly nights.
so have a day off and my phone isn't working so i'm really just taking me time to get school caught up and my head on straight.
i've experience life and i love it and want more...i made myself step out of my comfort zone and chat with a stranger at my fave coffee shop.

insecurity keeps the world from living.
such bullshit.
just reading the first pages in my human services again ignites the flame to do it...gotta keep focused.
still deciding on florida...gotta finish up but i want to move there bad.
money is stupid tight like i don't know how i'm going to make it til my next paycheck but some how i always do...just wake up live a day at a time and know all i can do is keep working and keep smiling.
i refuse to dump my shit on other people...we all have problems.


i honestly believe i'm here on earth to reach out to people and love them.
sigh...well in other news i'm not happy with my relationship with ex boyfriends.
anthony doesn't know how to not cross a line and i want him around so much.
taylor is bitter because i am seeing someone else and i understand its shady but things are going so well and i'm happy....

sigh...just gotta keep my head on straight and live my life.
miss my brother...haven't seen him much.

school and work are consuming my time and the dude isn't getting much...i make time then other lacks...i've got to be responsible this is where i'm at right now so if he wants to be with me he has to accept that.


ps. this guy takes AWESOME photos...the quotes are so inspiring.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/julianbialowas

been awhile

hey there folks.
its been awhile.
other then attack of the ex's i've been on spring break working, making our store number one for whole bean sales in the district and lovin life:)
not havin to do homework is awesome.
finally had a night out with a mixing pot of people, started at the lockerbee ended at howl and haven't ever been that drunk in my entire life, it was epic.
now i'm finding i have an exam this week and missed an assignment already:(
man i suck at school.
well talk to you soon, enjoy this  week don't let the monday's get you down.

so it goes

all good things usually take time.
i'm just letting it unravel, no extra thought just enjoying and taking time...its nice.
i'm okay.
whatever happens i am me and have what it takes to make it.
i am strong and independent and my life journey and experience shows that i'm gonna be okay and when i get a little rusty i have an amazing family and support system to help me out:)

i'm here to spread happy and be a helping hand for those in need.
i've gotta keep a focus and keep my head on straight.
i don't owe everyone an explanation or have to defend myself just live and let live.
i want every day to count and make someone smile and to believe in myself and let no negative thoughts in.
i won't accept failure.

haha awesome...

i'm going to bake 2 dozen cookies this week for matthew's shop and a certain fella might get a share...

lately i need more of this time...

wow

gorgeous girl. bone structure=amazing.

terrified

why didn't i experience more and gain more knowledge? i guess i still can its just more difficult with school and work. i want another job but am terrified.

plus so many have requirements i can't meet. should i study social work or do business? wow i have no confidence and feel like i can't make it and will be at starbucks forever. what the heck do i do? i'm freaking out and feel so unqualified for anything.

ouch but aweome

motivation

man i'm stoked about school and such these days....okay thats a bit much but i LOVe studying social work:)

wow...hottie

love her hair! i would love to grow mine like this...

makes me think

so i'm off work plannin to do homework and ben comes to visit.
sweet old man, fun to talk to and so intellectual.
now i'm thinking well chat it up a sec then get to work but i realized that conversating with me means more to him then me.

now if i'm in social work i need to just stop my thoughts if someone needs help or a talking to and focus, be in that moment....learnin lessons...social work is gonna be good.

mmmm

new beginnings

HI!
i feel like its been awhile...
well just finished up some homework after watching the fighter...SO GOOD.
not even a boxing fan but whoa i got into it...such a good movie, put it on your must see.
had a break down today and called my mommy...tehee what would i do without her?
she helped calm my thoughts.
so much to pay and so little money...i've really just got to buckle down and save.
i know i've posted so many entries about it.
i just had to tell myself you know what you could have said no to this and that but right now there is nothing you can do. i will keep workin as much as i can and keepin my hours full...keeping my budget and cut any extra spending...its going to feel so nice to have money saved up for emergencies.

now i love my brother and i love living with him but he has made poor decision or for whatever reason had a tough time with money and i can't bail him out and put myself in the hole. we talked and i think we will be okay. he is busting his ass and working seriously 24/7 to catch up...it will be awhile but i know he can do it. we just each have to pay our part and stick to it.

after an ENTIRE WEEK of snow days i'm ready for spring time. don't get me wrong its gorgeous and exciting to have mother nature own us but the wear on my car and my body from falling haha is getting a bit old. well gotta wake up and serve that coffee in the morning so i should get to bed. gonna try to get some volunteer work for my human services class this week and get started on that paper i need to write. i'm loving school. a bit overwhelming at first but i love what i'm studying so its no big deal.

i know you are waiting for me to pour about my love life...haha but not gonna happen i'm just whatever about it. i've got to stay focused and have no extra money so dating someone out of the state is becoming difficult. i love him but just trying to figure out my thoughts and see whats best. just seems silly to me now but just gonna let things settle and see what happens.

hope all is well, love you.
ps. if you haven't yet listen to andrew belle...especially ladder and static waves...GREAT SONGS!

new tat idea

this collage on my arm to forearm with some of my fa vorite lyrics...can't decide.

photography

check out my photographs at missmartz.tumblr.com
i'm going to be posting a lot more...i need to find some happy and get back into that.

if anyone would like to model for me or would just like some shots of themselves with better their better half and such let me know!

i need practice!

memories...

found this picture on an old photobucket...me and brandon went to chicago for my 21st...good times.
i miss having my own space and displaying my own creavity.

i feel like i need to express myself but don't know how...
thoughts? suggestions?

and then i found this guy...i love my hair and miss that puppy.

i need to study but i'm distracted

oy.

not a fan of the piercings but love the tats. sick color.

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”

strange

its strange that some spend the entire life striving to be someone but never being happy with who they are at the moment...

if i was here i'd be happy, if i had this i'd be okay...blah blah blah.
just be where you're at and enjoy each moment.
i'm not saying don't set goals for yourself and dream of a lovely future but don't miss out on whats here happening now.

chillin at the office with taylor and just thinking about us...its crazy how its all unfolded.
i didn't plan on him being the way he is i'll tell you that.
we got in a fight last night and i don't say fight lightly but that's what it was.
i told him i'm unexplainable furious and will talk to him tomorrow but i'm done conversating...(while you're being an ass is what i wanted to say;)

but then after letting my head calm down a movie i just watched came to mind and they said that when you say you love someone that means the bad too...we have our disagreements but the things and issues that matter we are dead on.

there are so many things through our short relationships and conversations that have just blown my mind how much we are alike.

everything moved fast and sometimes it is weird and i'll be laying in bed thinking who is this stranger next to me but i wouldn't trade it for the world because its slowly but surely turning into sometime beautiful.

i mean come on life is short and you shouldn't waste time with someone unless you are happy and you shouldn't waste time with petty shit either...

one thing that is different is after talking about a future together we both got a bit freaked out and cold feet...there is nothing wrong with that.
i know a relationship takes work and i want to work through it with him but i'm not going to rush anything and think that it HAS to end in marriage or something.

i love him.
thats all i know.
his good and bad.
up here for the weekend excited to talk, hang out, laugh and hold hands...haha...so cheesy i know.
gotta stick to my guns though and remember who i am, hold my head high and stay strong.

all day

i could spend all day on stumbleupon.com looking at quotes and photographs...so inspiring.

i need more beauty in my apartment to look at...i love these.