isn't this what wer all want?

for the first time

"drinkin on cheap bottles of wine shit talkin up all night saying this we haven't for awhile smilin but we're close to tears even after all these years we finally got the feelin that we've needed for the first time."

did i mention i love tattoos?

these are gorgeous...

i've been going to paper

not so much online writing...i usually post lyrics and quotes, pictures that inspire me and taylor bought me a journal so i've been doing it old school!

growth

so i believe a part of growth as an individual is to keep your cool when false accusations are made against you or false interpretations.

i am learning who i am and do not feel the need to defend.
i will show with my lifestyle.

i wanted to jump through the wall

"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don’t even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don’t even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant."

epic fail

yes.
new favorite website.
we laugh our asses off at work looking at that shit.

when truth comes to light

damn.
i was such a fool but i've found the closure i need.

my skin feels like its falling off

feeling out of my element.
lyrics and music are keeping me alive these days.

had a smoke on my porch last night looking at the lake frozen over with music in my ears.
beautiful sight.

so i'm at a point where i'm okay.
it doesn't sting anymore.

i'm not going to let myself be at the point anymore where other people can control my emotions or myself.
that's my job.

god i'm a fucking grown ass woman i've got to stop acting like a child.
i've got a lovely apartment with my brother, my bills are paid and i'm going back to school.

its consistancy and discipline that i need to get.
just letting time pass at the moment...feeding myself positive thoughts.

i can't keep my book with anthony open forever and he has shown no interest in working things out.
i would love to say i'm at the point where if he wanted me back i could say no but part of growing up and knowing yourself is being honest with yourself.

i'm not at that point.
i've got somone in the back of my head but i can't move forward or be a good fit for anyone until i fit myself.

its just not suppose to be this complicated.
its becoming laughable.
i don't want any past relationship drama to come into play in a new relationship.

the kind of relationship i want i'm not sure if it exist.
of course there are core issues we have to agree on but i want to have someone thats doin their life being who they are and we just walk next to each other and live with love and support.

sure butterflies, rainbows, dancing in the rain and all that dreamy shit is good but i want realistic, living life loving people just being a positive pull on the world together kind of relationship.

i guess i've just never been in a serious long term relationship then out before.
its different and i'm not going to let my past mistakes keep me from moving forward and being happy and making someone else happy.

i don't want my dude to be a freakin caretaker either.
we are in this together, equal partners.

sigh...well just livin and learning.
for now i'm enjoying my solo lifestyle and just taking it a day at a time...

diggin the maine these days...good happy music:)

be my escape

"I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here..."

sometimes i don't fit in

so i'm thinkin this cut with dark black hurr color...

this picture is bad ass

everything i ask for

i don't want to write it all but here are some freaking cute lyrics from the maine...

"She takes her time with the littlest things
Love notes reminding me She wears red when she's feeling hot
I have her but it's all I got
She looks best without her clothes
I know a song it's the way it goes
I don't know what she sees in me
But I'm happy that she's happy now that she's with me
And I'm freaking out because I'm just so lucky

Oh she makes me feel like shit
But I can't get over it 'Cause shes everything I ask for
Everything I ask for
And just a little bit more
Everything I ask for
Everything I ask for and so much more..."

this is how i feel about the world right now...

a fine evening for a rogue

"It started quite young
Yeah, I learned how to, to,
To stay quiet, just stay quiet, always stay
We're cursed with disease
I have to be perfect
And you're not better than me, no.

Don't you ever get lonely?
Yeah, don't you ever get lonely?
'Cause it's no better for me
I still cannot breathe

Don't you ever get lonely?
Yeah, well, don't you ever get lonely?
'Cause I never saw you leave this lately..."

god damn.

ha so maybe i'm a creeper but what the hell is social networking for?
we all have our guilty moments.

seeing the photographs and conversations...jesus christ.
i can't believe i was even considering it.
i was the one that ended it and couldn't even move along that quickly or heavily.

i mean the life you two have already created together is insane.
hard to believe you even cared.
good lord.

unbelievable.
i honestly have no idea what to believe.
i just hope someday i'll stop loving you and find someone who makes me that happy and can move on with.

god damn.

bittersweet

this is so silly.
you have a girlfriend.
that changes everything.

you are happy and have someone that cares and that you care about, why chance it?
both of us unsure.
why risk a certain good on an uncertain good?
i mean get real, be logical.

its not the end of the world.
you know i love you and i know you love me.
nothing can change that.

are we both in love with something/someone that will never be again?
there is so much doubt and uncertainty, mistrust this time around...
i'm not bailing out and i'm not giving up.
i'm just trying to stop romanticizing my life and be real about it.

if you can't decide between us then thats that.
no hard feelings but i'm not going to carry that around in the relationship or cause you to think of her when we have a rough patch.
i've been hurt once...whats another hit?
she hasn't.

its strange having you stand up for another girl but i get it.
you know i love you and i'm good for you but you have certain addictions and desires that overpower your feelings and i cannot meet them.

sigh...so...when all else fails....

eat tacos.

awful lyrics...truth?

"Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me..."

damn.

"you have good things and you throw them away, good people and you push til there gone too, and then the only thing you can do is run back to your past instead of moving forward to bigger and better things. you will never be happy as long as you're looking for you happiness in another person. you have to stop romanticizing life so much its life, not a fairytale so you have to do the best you can..."


my brother wrote me this.

i ache to be more artistic and express my thoughts, feelings and emotions in an artistic way.
damn.
but how...

not today

uninspired today.
lyrics are dead, colors are dull.
my spirits are higher then yesturday but i want to see beauty, feel something.
at my starbucks catchin up on reading trying to finalize my school shit.

no wonder people don't go back, its a pain in the ass just to get started.
when i think about us the sting isn't there today.
i don't think i like that.
one good day tends to make me take on more then i'm really ready for and i crash hard later.
i need to take it a day at a time.
got my bills in order, have a lovely apartment, my friends are bad ass and i'm headed to school...look at me being all optimistic.

i prefer to be more of a realist.
some say that's cynical but if you keep it real then you are less to be disappointed or really taken back by a blow.

that doesn't mean i don't think there is good in the world but well its fading for sure.
there is something exhilarating about depression.
life is a live and kicking your ass.
i like that feeling sometimes.

makes me work harder.
live stronger.
keep things in persepective.
i don't see how love is really ever going to work out for me.
just doensn't make any sense in the romantic sense.
i love friends and family but another half...nah.
not for me.

he was the only one that i could be committed to or really happy giving my life to.
i'm aware of my surroundings today.
makes me insecure, anxious.
i don't like that.

i need to get some new ink.

so far gone

wow.
what a blow.
its like someone i love has died and i'm all alone in this fucked up world.
i never thought anything could be like this, feel like this.

its what we do, we're fucked up.
god i understand how terrible i was but i love you with my whole heart and want to be there for you, love you and reassure you everyday for the rest of my life how much you mean to me.

i want to listen to your views, your problems and just be one together again.
its never going to happen.
i don't know how to accept that.

i was given chance after chance and so much love and forgiveness...how could i be so awful?
i've lost my other half, my heart forever.

i will never have a peace of mind about it.
i keep thinking i should give it one more shot, say one more thing do something more...doesn't matter.
he is really done.

i know it seems a bit dramatic.
i'll be okay.
life will go on.

but i want to spend my life alone just to show you i was for real and my love is only for you.
that's fucked up.
i don't want to forget.

i can't be with anyone else, i've tried.
i'm not going to hurt anyone else.
guess its just me for awhile...here goes a life of shit.
i deserve every bit of it.

i love you anthony sousa.
always and forever.

ha i'm so pathetic.
like he will ever read this.
like it would change a thing.

my words mean nothing even to me.
he doesn't think of me anymore...its over.

i have to get it.

iris

"when everything feels like the movies yeah you bleed just to know you're alive..."

damn regrest

"Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me 'cause I'm refined
Cast my line to see what's behind
Did you think you'd persuade me to let you go?

I'm wishing you were here
My weakness is my fear
Alone I am myself
No reason left for me to care..."

on the corner of main street...

its a killers kind of day.
from a day to remember i'm now into the killers...its a musical journey.
the only good thing about tragedy and death is lyrics and music come alive.

"the good ol' days the honest man the restless heart the promise land the subtle kiss that no one sees a broken wrist and a big trapiz."

"I still wish you the best of luck baby
And don't go thinking this was a waste of time
I couldn't forget you if I tried
You killed what was left of the good in me
I'm tired so let me be broken
Look down at the mess that's infront of me
No other words may be spoken
And I've got nobody else to blame though I tried
Kept all of my past mistakes down inside
I'll live with regret for my whole life.."

the day after

after a long night of texting conversations and wet eyes its over.
i don't feel it quite yet.

i said all that i could.
its over.

not looking forward to the painful months, years, life ahead.
sure i'll get over it...or will i?
i thought i was over it.

i asked him how he did it?
erased the memories and our story...pretend i'm dead he said.
there were many times before i thought it was over but he always came back.
not this time.

fuck me.
how do you absorb the fact you have lost the love of your life?
maybe he is dead.
my anthony would never be like this.

well...here goes nothing.

i made a mistake

i want to put headphones in my ears constantly blaring out the world and distracting my thoughts from the pain.

back to this again?
its getting a bit old.
when will i learn from my bullshit and stick to something.

i'm not even sure how to put what i'm feeling and thinking into words...so overwhelmed.
i gave him my heart a long time ago.
i remember the first day we met like it was yesturday.

everytime i watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind it screams our relationship.
the ending is what makes it all worth while.
knowing you will hate each other and be almost miserably unhappy and just saying..."ok".
beautiful.

obviously i want to move on i want to forget.
i CAN'T.
when least expected all the memories come flowing into my head... a movie, a song will remind me of what i learned and how it should go from there...i quit.
i will never experience that love again.

we had a life together.
how could i just throw it all away?

we talked under covers, laughed til our stomachs hurt from tickle fights, wiped my tears, sang to me in the car, made me feel beautiful, stood up for me, missed me, kissed me, showers, movies, cuddling on the couch, fighting and making up, going to shows, holding him while crying with a bottle of crown asking why i love you and want you to be my wife, planning our wedding, our coheed song, boring phone conversations, texting during work, being sassy, being each others best friends and sharing our worlds, being one...we were one.
we were complete opposites and it worked.

now he is with another.
why not?
i cheated on him, left him for another...twice.
im such a terrible person.
adding onto the hurt?

now i'm trying to stay our of his life...let him move on find happy.

disgusting.
i deserve to be alone.
i made a mistake i have to live with forever.

this is the house that doubt built

"Forget everything just for tonight we'll sing like everyone when they're alone
Cause I've been waiting for tonight to sing whoa, whoa

Let's move in and if we all stand together we're a force that can shake the whole world
For once we're doing something right when we say whoa, whoa"

one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."

a fresh start

a fresh start is the thought i always use to give myself a peace of mind.

i don't want a fresh start.

i want to simply move forward and remember the journey that got me to where i'm at.

i broke down in the shower last night as the drops of water poured over my skin.

letting bright eyes fill my ears i just lost it.

what have i become?

who have i become?

someone i'm not happy with i know that much.

so selfish, so insecure.

disgusting and everything i hate.

work has become this awful nightmare to get through and wake up.

everything after is just anxiety and what to do next and living in the past.

i miss my parents being here.

i miss my life in lebanon with anthony.

i miss the way life used to be.

i usually stop my thoughts from following through about me and anthony but i followed them through last night trying to figure out if things would have been different, could have been.

i made my decision to stick with taylor and i do love that boy its just different.

no going back now.

but like i was saying i tried to remember the times alone thinking about the relationship and what it was that pushed me so far away and how i got to the point of doing such awful things to him.

messing around with other boys, blowing him off and hurting him so badly.

man we were deep in together, we created a life for ourselves and it was beautiful.

now it seems like an entire lifetime ago.

now and then random pieces of that time slip into my head.

its terrible and painful.

god why did i let it happen?

there is absolutely nothing about my life that is the same.

literally EVERYTHING is different.

i'm going to school in january, working full time, living with my brother...

he's got a new girlfriend, i have a new boyfriend, our parents live in florida...

it sounds great right?

i should be happy right?

then why is this the worst time in my life, the worst chapter?

i'm honestly tired of waking up in the mornings and living my life.

so where do i go from here, how do i accept all of this and what do i make of it?

i want my old confidence back.

i want my old heart back.

i want my old view of life back.

i don't take pictures anymore.

i just spent two hours fixing myself up in the mirror.

i can't make decisions...the simplest ones.

what to wear, when to go to bed, what to do with my time.

its like all my thoughts behind me and memories are attached to something broken.

i can't enjoy beauty.

i can't enjoy love.

my eyes are aching ready to burst as i type this.

and i'll walk out the door of this starbucks and back into a world where i am no one.

no one cares.

everything has their own bullshit to deal with.

i've got to suck it up.

i have so much to work on yet not sure what to do or where to begin or if i want to.

taylor said that he wants me and wants to be with me while i'm broken not after i'm "fixed".

so sweet isn't he.

sometimes i feel like he is a stranger.

sometimes i feel like we are living on different planets.

we have moved very fast emotionally and now that things are slowing down i'm in too deep.

i don't want that from him.

i just want us to be together, live learn and talk.

not rely on or fix each other.

i don't want to be cute and new.

been there done that and thats what is hard about us, he hasn't really been in a relationship like me so we are on different levels sometimes.

i just need to get away, feel, laugh and live again.

listen to the band lydia.

they're pretty.