my skin feels like its falling off

feeling out of my element.
lyrics and music are keeping me alive these days.

had a smoke on my porch last night looking at the lake frozen over with music in my ears.
beautiful sight.

so i'm at a point where i'm okay.
it doesn't sting anymore.

i'm not going to let myself be at the point anymore where other people can control my emotions or myself.
that's my job.

god i'm a fucking grown ass woman i've got to stop acting like a child.
i've got a lovely apartment with my brother, my bills are paid and i'm going back to school.

its consistancy and discipline that i need to get.
just letting time pass at the moment...feeding myself positive thoughts.

i can't keep my book with anthony open forever and he has shown no interest in working things out.
i would love to say i'm at the point where if he wanted me back i could say no but part of growing up and knowing yourself is being honest with yourself.

i'm not at that point.
i've got somone in the back of my head but i can't move forward or be a good fit for anyone until i fit myself.

its just not suppose to be this complicated.
its becoming laughable.
i don't want any past relationship drama to come into play in a new relationship.

the kind of relationship i want i'm not sure if it exist.
of course there are core issues we have to agree on but i want to have someone thats doin their life being who they are and we just walk next to each other and live with love and support.

sure butterflies, rainbows, dancing in the rain and all that dreamy shit is good but i want realistic, living life loving people just being a positive pull on the world together kind of relationship.

i guess i've just never been in a serious long term relationship then out before.
its different and i'm not going to let my past mistakes keep me from moving forward and being happy and making someone else happy.

i don't want my dude to be a freakin caretaker either.
we are in this together, equal partners.

sigh...well just livin and learning.
for now i'm enjoying my solo lifestyle and just taking it a day at a time...

diggin the maine these days...good happy music:)