a fresh start

a fresh start is the thought i always use to give myself a peace of mind.

i don't want a fresh start.

i want to simply move forward and remember the journey that got me to where i'm at.

i broke down in the shower last night as the drops of water poured over my skin.

letting bright eyes fill my ears i just lost it.

what have i become?

who have i become?

someone i'm not happy with i know that much.

so selfish, so insecure.

disgusting and everything i hate.

work has become this awful nightmare to get through and wake up.

everything after is just anxiety and what to do next and living in the past.

i miss my parents being here.

i miss my life in lebanon with anthony.

i miss the way life used to be.

i usually stop my thoughts from following through about me and anthony but i followed them through last night trying to figure out if things would have been different, could have been.

i made my decision to stick with taylor and i do love that boy its just different.

no going back now.

but like i was saying i tried to remember the times alone thinking about the relationship and what it was that pushed me so far away and how i got to the point of doing such awful things to him.

messing around with other boys, blowing him off and hurting him so badly.

man we were deep in together, we created a life for ourselves and it was beautiful.

now it seems like an entire lifetime ago.

now and then random pieces of that time slip into my head.

its terrible and painful.

god why did i let it happen?

there is absolutely nothing about my life that is the same.

literally EVERYTHING is different.

i'm going to school in january, working full time, living with my brother...

he's got a new girlfriend, i have a new boyfriend, our parents live in florida...

it sounds great right?

i should be happy right?

then why is this the worst time in my life, the worst chapter?

i'm honestly tired of waking up in the mornings and living my life.

so where do i go from here, how do i accept all of this and what do i make of it?

i want my old confidence back.

i want my old heart back.

i want my old view of life back.

i don't take pictures anymore.

i just spent two hours fixing myself up in the mirror.

i can't make decisions...the simplest ones.

what to wear, when to go to bed, what to do with my time.

its like all my thoughts behind me and memories are attached to something broken.

i can't enjoy beauty.

i can't enjoy love.

my eyes are aching ready to burst as i type this.

and i'll walk out the door of this starbucks and back into a world where i am no one.

no one cares.

everything has their own bullshit to deal with.

i've got to suck it up.

i have so much to work on yet not sure what to do or where to begin or if i want to.

taylor said that he wants me and wants to be with me while i'm broken not after i'm "fixed".

so sweet isn't he.

sometimes i feel like he is a stranger.

sometimes i feel like we are living on different planets.

we have moved very fast emotionally and now that things are slowing down i'm in too deep.

i don't want that from him.

i just want us to be together, live learn and talk.

not rely on or fix each other.

i don't want to be cute and new.

been there done that and thats what is hard about us, he hasn't really been in a relationship like me so we are on different levels sometimes.

i just need to get away, feel, laugh and live again.

listen to the band lydia.

they're pretty.