i made a mistake

i want to put headphones in my ears constantly blaring out the world and distracting my thoughts from the pain.

back to this again?
its getting a bit old.
when will i learn from my bullshit and stick to something.

i'm not even sure how to put what i'm feeling and thinking into words...so overwhelmed.
i gave him my heart a long time ago.
i remember the first day we met like it was yesturday.

everytime i watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind it screams our relationship.
the ending is what makes it all worth while.
knowing you will hate each other and be almost miserably unhappy and just saying..."ok".
beautiful.

obviously i want to move on i want to forget.
i CAN'T.
when least expected all the memories come flowing into my head... a movie, a song will remind me of what i learned and how it should go from there...i quit.
i will never experience that love again.

we had a life together.
how could i just throw it all away?

we talked under covers, laughed til our stomachs hurt from tickle fights, wiped my tears, sang to me in the car, made me feel beautiful, stood up for me, missed me, kissed me, showers, movies, cuddling on the couch, fighting and making up, going to shows, holding him while crying with a bottle of crown asking why i love you and want you to be my wife, planning our wedding, our coheed song, boring phone conversations, texting during work, being sassy, being each others best friends and sharing our worlds, being one...we were one.
we were complete opposites and it worked.

now he is with another.
why not?
i cheated on him, left him for another...twice.
im such a terrible person.
adding onto the hurt?

now i'm trying to stay our of his life...let him move on find happy.

disgusting.
i deserve to be alone.
i made a mistake i have to live with forever.